Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
