You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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