I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
