Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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