Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
