You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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