He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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