I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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