positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
