we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He passed out mid-signature
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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