He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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