recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
