I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
