my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
