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• (443): View more from Maryland

  My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.

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• (620): View more from Kansas

  Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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• (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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• (636): View more from Missouri

  Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha

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• (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  If you ever get divorced...would you call me??

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