I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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