My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
is that a dick in a sweater?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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