Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
