I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
