I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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