Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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