I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
