Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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