I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
