so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
