I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
