I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
