I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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