my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
