That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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