just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
