i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
