Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
