Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
