I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
