I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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