me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
