dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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