Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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