I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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