Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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