I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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