Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
whose parrot is this?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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