i just wanna soil my oats bro
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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