Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
