i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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