This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
