dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
a search helicopter?!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
