im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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