I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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