her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
