My friends, they love my intelligence
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
