I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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