so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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