i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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