did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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