I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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