I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
