i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
