I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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