also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
