Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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