he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
