remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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